I spent International Women’s Day 2023 on a beach in Turkey, reading a book about the gender data bias, feeling angry and empowered and wanting to change the world… while also agonising over a man.
Man in question had somehow coaxed me out of my single-hood, and garnered both my exclusive attention and my commitment, in a reasonably short period of time. I was somebody’s girlfriend again, and I was enjoying it and excited about what the future might bring for us.
Then he stopped… just stopped dead. I worried at first that he was actually dead, and then when that was disproved, I realised that he had just simply chosen to cut me out, cut me off. It took me a day or two to realise that’s what he had done, a day or two more of worrying about him before I realised I should have been worrying for myself and my mental state. Because when someone chooses to make you disposable like that, its hard not to feel like you agree with them.
Instead of feeling safe and supported I suddenly felt vulnerable; I had allowed myself to share responsibility for my happiness with someone else and they hadn’t kept up their side of the bargain. Over and over I wondered what had caused this monumental shift in things, and I blamed myself of course – something I had done, or not done; I had been too much of this, or too little of that; I hadn’t been enthusiastic, or had I been over keen? I wondered if this was something we are all guilty of or is this a special treat reserved for certain people, the ability to absolutely destroy themselves with blame for other peoples’ actions.
I didn’t deserve to be treated this way – whatever had caused his change of heart the very least I deserved was to be told, to be “dumped” in whatever way deemed appropriate. But this was so cold… so thoughtless and hurtful, and seemed so incredibly out of character for this particular man, who had been nothing short of kind, attentive and affectionate from the beginning.
And so, I wondered - maybe it isn’t me, maybe it is something that has happened to him, or he has done – has he cheated and can’t bring himself to tell me? Is he having a deep mental health crisis? Is one of his family fighting for life and he is tearfully holding a bedside vigil? I worried then that it had in fact been me that was thoughtless and hurtful, that I was being inconsiderate of his (imagined) need for solitude. Somehow, whichever way I tried to reason with this situation I made myself feel worse and more at fault than before.
And now that spiral of over-thinking, blame and self destruction has brought me about as low as its possible to get. I’m looking everywhere for the remnants of my self-esteem, and I just can’t seem to find any…
I need to press the reset, effectively remove the last few months and try to stop the walls going up (or the mental health going down…) It wasn’t long enough to fall in love, but it was long enough to fall in like – to trust him and relax and look forward to some shared future. It was long enough to deserve a more respectful end than this disappearing act, this ‘ghosting’, whatever the reasons for his change of heart.
But I remind myself - I am learning something new at every step of my life, so that my next choices are always better ones. I really hope they are
Kx
